martes, 17 de marzo de 2009

¿Por qué las mujeres van al baño de a dos?¡ El secreto al descubierto!

Es que de chiquita tu mamá te llevaba al baño, te enseñaba a limpiar la tabla del inodoro con papel higiénico y luego ponía tiras de papel cuidadosamente en el perímetro de la taza. Finalmente te instruía: “Nunca, nunca te sientes en un baño público”. Y luego te mostraba “la posición” que consiste en balancearte sobre el inodoro para sentarse sin que tu cuerpo haga contacto con la taza.
“La Posición” es una de las primeras lecciones de vida de una niña, super importante y necesaria, nos ha de acompañar durante el resto de nuestras vidas. Pero aún hoy en nuestros años adultos, “la posición” es dolorosamente difícil de mantener cuando tu vejiga está a punto de reventar.
Cuando TIENES que ir a un baño público, te encontrás con una fila de mujeres que te hace pensar que ahí dentro está Brad Pitt. Así que te resignas a esperar, sonriendo amablemente a las demás mujeres que también están discretamente cruzando piernas y brazos en la posición oficial de “me estoy meando”. Finalmente te toca a ti, si no llega la típica mamá con “la nenita que no se puede aguantar más”
Entonces verificas cada cubículo por debajo para ver si no hay piernas. Todos están ocupados. Finalmente uno se abre y te lanzas casi tirando a la persona que va saliendo.
Entras y te das cuenta que el picaporte no funciona (nunca funciona); no importa. Cuelgas el bolso del gancho que hay en la puerta, y si no hay gancho (nunca hay gancho), inspeccionas la zona, el suelo está lleno de líquidos indefinidos y no te atrevés a dejarlo ahí, así que te lo cuelgas del cuello mientras miras cómo se balancea debajo tuyo, sin contar que te desnuca la correa, porque el bolso está lleno de tonterías que fuiste metiendo dentro, la mayoría de las cuales no usas, ni las vas a usar, pero que las tienes “por si acaso”.
Pero volviendo a la puerta, como no tenía picaporte, la única opción es sostenerla con una mano, mientras que con la otra, de un tirón, te bajas el calzón y te pones en “la posición”. Alivio… AAhhhhhh… por fin… Ahí es cuando tus muslos empiezan a temblar… porque estás suspendida en el aire, con las piernas flexionadas, los calzones cortándote la circulación de los muslos, el brazo extendido haciendo fuerza contra la puerta y un bolso de 5 Kg colgando de tu cuello. Te encantaría sentarte, pero no tuviste tiempo para limpiar la taza ni la cubriste con papel, interiormente crees que no pasaría nada pero la voz de tu madre retumba en tu cabeza “jamás te sientes en un inodoro público!!”. Así que te quedas en “la posición” con el tembeleque de piernas … y por un fallo de cálculo en las distancias, una salpicadura muy finísima del chorro te salpica en tu propio culo y te moja hasta las medias!!. Con suerte no te mojas tus propios zapatos, y es que adoptar “la posición” requiere una gran concentración.
Para alejar de tu mente esa desgracia, buscas el rollo de papel higiénico pero, la puuuuuuuut**…!! el rollo está vacío!!! (siempre lo está). Entonces suplicas al cielo que entre los 5 kilos de cachivaches que llevas dentro del bolso haya un miserable kleenex, pero para buscar en tu bolso tenés que soltar la puerta, dudas un momento, pero no hay más remedio … y en cuanto la sueltas, alguien la empuja y tienes que frenar con un movimiento rápido y brusco, mientras gritás OCUPAAADOOOO!!!
Ahí das por hecho que todas las que esperan en el exterior escucharon tu mensaje y ya puedes soltar la puerta sin miedo, nadie intentará abrirla de nuevo (en eso las mujeres nos respetamos mucho) y te pones a buscar tu kleenex sin agobios, te gustaría usar todos pero sabés que son muy valiosos en casos similares y te guardas uno por si acaso.
Ahí ya vas contando los segundos que te quedan para salir de ahí, transpirando porque llevas el abrigo puesto ya que no hay perchero, y es increible el calor que hace en esos sitios tan pequeños y en esa posición de fuerza en la que sigues con los gemelos a punto de estallar. Sin contar el garrón del portazo, el desnuque con la correa del bolso, el sudor que corre por tu frente, la salpicada del chorro en las piernas, además del recuerdo de tu mamá que estaría avergonzadísima si te viera así; porque su culo nunca tocó el asiento de un baño público, porque francamente, “tú no sabes qué enfermedades podrías agarrarte ahí”.
Estás exhausta, cuando te paras ya no sientes las piernas, te acomodas la ropa rapidísimo y tiras la cadena ¡sobretodo!. Entonces vas al lavamanos. Todo está
lleno de agua, así que no puedes soltar el bolso ni un segundo, te lo cuelgas al hombro, no sabes cómo funciona la canilla con los sensores automáticos, así
que tocas hasta que sale un chorrito de agua fresca, y consegues jabón (felizmente hay), te lavas en una posición de jorobado de Notredame para que no se resbale el bolso y quede abajo del chorro. El secador ni lo usas, es un trasto inútil así que terminás secándote las manos en tus pantalones porque no piensas gastar tu Kleenex para eso.
Tendrás suerte si no se te pego un pedazo de papel higiénico al zapato y lo vas arrastrando, o peor, con la falda arremangada enganchada por las medias que te
subiste a la velocidad de la luz y mostrando todo el culo!. En ese momento ves a tu chico que entró y salió del baño de hombres, y encima le quedó tiempo de sobra para leer un libro de Borges mientras te esperaba.
- ¿Por qué tardaste tanto?, te pregunta el idiota.
- Había mucha cola, te limitás a decir.
Esta es la razón por la que las mujeres vamos en grupo al baño, por solidaridad, ya que una te aguanta el bolso y el abrigo, la otra te sujeta la puerta, otra te pasa el Kleenex por debajo de la puerta y así es mucho más sencillo y rápido, ya que una sola tiene que concentrarse en mantener “la posición” y la dignidad.
(Gracias a Andrea y a León por el envío)

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